85 Before Falling Asleep
“The fireworks are over.”
The fireworks, the next most beautiful thing after Riri-chan, ended abruptly.
That’s to be expected from school-scale fireworks.
“Yeah. Our cultural festival is over too.”
That signaled the end of the after-festival.
We joined the crowd leaving the school.
After walking for a while, the presence of others faded away.
“I heard from Kaede earlier that the number of couples who started dating because of the cultural festival has exploded.”
What an awkward topic.
“H-Hmm…”
“Last year, I was annoyed, thinking, ‘Starting to date at the cultural festival? So cliché,’ but this year, I can listen to it calmly.”
But Riri-chan’s next words surprised me.
“Even you get annoyed by that kind of thing, Riri-chan?”
Romance is like a fairy tale to me, so unrealistic that I don’t feel anything.
My heart naturally shuts down, maybe.
“Of course! It’s not like I like being single.”
Well, that’s probably true, considering Riri-chan’s social circle…
But I still felt a sense of dissonance.
“You could have started dating someone if you wanted to, Riri-chan.”
After all, countless people confess to Hinase Riri.
She’s incredibly popular.
“Hmm… well, none of them felt… right.”
“Felt right…?”
After rejecting so many handsome guys, the only one who felt “right” was me…?
Even I think that’s strange.
“…Well, since it’s you, Suzuna, I’ll tell you. I’m not very good with… boys.”
That was also news to me.
“Really?”
“Yeah, it’s not like I hate them or anything. It’s just… they’re not… romantically appealing to me…”
“…I see.”
So that’s why…
That’s why Riri-chan is the only heroine who doesn’t interact with Shindo-kun.
I’m sure there’s a reason for that, but it’s not something I should pry into.
“Ah, but it’s not like I’m… interested in girls either. I just thought… maybe I’m not capable of romantic feelings.”
But she ends up with Shindo-kun in the original story, so what is he, some kind of love guru?
If I hadn’t snatched his route, he might be the one walking next to me right now.
Thinking about that, it really was a fateful crossroads.
“We’re alike.”
I expressed my sympathy, not just because of that, but because I don’t want to let Riri-chan go.
“You and me?”
“Yeah, I also thought I wasn’t the type to have… those kinds of relationships.”
I thought I’d live my life alone.
“You’re the one who changed that, Suzuna.”
“…Me? I didn’t do anything.”
I don’t remember doing anything that significant.
“Yes, you did.”
“Whoa!”
Riri-chan suddenly clung to my arm.
“It’s fine, we’re… in that kind of relationship now.”
Riri-chan quickly added, sensing my impending objection.
I couldn’t argue with that.
“Well, let’s not get into the details. I want to cherish the time we have together.”
Riri-chan casually said something incredibly cheesy.
I, unfortunately, don’t possess that kind of straightforwardness.
“Yeah.”
So I’ll at least nod in agreement.
Because I feel the same way.
◇◇◇
I arrived home.
The room was dark. I flipped the switch, and the lights came on.
It’s something I do every day without thinking, but today, it felt… different, a strange loneliness.
It’s probably because of everything that happened today.
“I should get ready for bed…”
It was still early, but I was tired from all the unfamiliar activities.
Sleepiness was quickly approaching.
◇◇◇
“Haa…”
—Thump
I landed on the bed.
As my body relaxed, I realized how tired I was.
…But this might be the first time…
The cultural festival was always an event that reminded me of how out of place I was, not the wonderful experience everyone claimed it to be.
So I was surprised that I enjoyed it so much today.
Moreover, I even felt… sad that it was over.
I never thought there would be a day when I wished it would continue.
“You feel the same way, don’t you?”
I spoke to the two penguins lying next to me.
They didn’t reply, but their gentle silhouettes remained unchanged.
“…Huh?”
Looking closely, I noticed a slight difference in their size.
The gray one was slightly smaller than the blue one.
“…You’re like… Riri-chan and me.”
Riri-chan is colorful and tall, while I’m… grayish, I’m not even sure if I have a color, and I feel… small.
Maybe I’m thinking that because this is a present from Riri-chan.
I’m lonely without Riri-chan, but these little ones she gave me offer a small comfort.
They make me feel like Riri-chan is here.
“…”
Both penguins were lying on their backs on my bed.
It felt a little lonely that they were both staring at the ceiling, even though they were together.
I turned the penguins on their sides, so they were facing each other.
I also made their flippers intertwine.
“…There. You’re not lonely anymore, right?”
There’s no reason for these close penguin friends to ignore each other.
It’s much better for them to be together like this.
Embracing each other…
“N-No, I shouldn’t. It’s too early for you two.”
I felt like I was making them do something inappropriate and turned the penguins back onto their backs.
I felt embarrassed, even though no one was watching.
I shouldn’t have imagined them as Riri-chan and me.
Thinking about them embracing each other was a mistake.
It made me remember what happened in the music room today.
The unfinished… encounter with Riri-chan.
The feeling of her lips, the pain of her bite on my ear, the sensation of her hand on my leg.
My Secret Place, which she almost touched…
Everything was new, and everything was stimulating.
I don’t have the courage to initiate that kind of thing.
But since we’re dating now, we’ll probably… do that kind of thing.
I can’t imagine what will happen to me then.
“…I should sleep.”
I lay on my back, imitating the penguins.
I wonder if Riri-chan will sleep next to me like these little ones someday.
That thought made me feel embarrassed again.
86 What It Means to Me: Hinase Riri’s Side
“Morning…”
The annoying sound of my phone alarm woke me up.
Today is the day for cleaning up after the cultural festival.
“…Such a pain.”
I don’t feel like cleaning up after the festival at all.
Because yesterday was filled with dreamlike events.
It’s like a dream that Suzuna and I are dating now.
But I’m afraid that once the school is cleaned up and everything is back to normal, I’ll wake up from this dream.
I wish the dream would continue.
“But I have to do what I have to do…”
I don’t like doing troublesome things, but I’m aiming for university.
I don’t want to reduce my attendance or lower my grades by skipping school.
Since I’m not academically gifted, I don’t want to be held back by other factors.
“‘Then why don’t you stop wearing makeup and wear your uniform properly?’”
Kaede said that sarcastically.
But that’s one thing, this is another.
I can’t be myself if I stop caring about my appearance.
And if I can’t be myself, I won’t be able to go to school, so it’s necessary.
“‘I was stupid to even listen to you.’”
Kaede dismissed me with those words.
I know it’s contradictory, but I can’t help it; that’s just how I feel.
I got out of bed and went to the living room.
The living room window is large.
There are almost no buildings in front of it, offering a view overlooking the city.
It’s a spectacular view, I guess.
But I see it every day alone, so I don’t feel anything anymore.
“It’s boring to see anything alone, anyway.”
That being said, I think I’m quite privileged.
I’m not bragging, but people compliment my appearance.
And I live a comfortable life.
My dad only told me to “graduate from university,” he hasn’t said anything else.
He lets me live in this high-rise apartment and hasn’t come home for years because of his work.
I know I’m living a carefree life, a life that’s impossible for most high school students.
But I’ve always felt like something was missing.
◇◇◇
My mom died when I was born.
I’ll never know what a mother figure is like.
So my family consists of my dad and my older brother, and my concept of “men” is shaped by them.
My brother is much older than me, and he got married and left home soon after I became aware of things.
And my dad is always away from home because of his work.
That relationship shaped my common sense.
The common sense that men naturally leave me.
It’s a difficult feeling to shake off.
They flatter me with sweet words, but they’ll eventually disappear from my life.
Thinking that, I couldn’t bring myself to truly love anyone.
So even though I have friends, I thought I could never truly be with someone.
“But then…”
One girl completely changed my sense of loneliness.
◇◇◇
I waited for Suzuna at our usual meeting spot.
This is our first morning as a couple, so I’m a little nervous.
I wonder if I can act normal…
“G-Good morning, R-Riri-chan…”
Suzuna appeared, looking even more nervous than me, so my nervousness quickly dissipated.
“What’s wrong, Suzuna? Can’t you even say good morning anymore?”
I peered into Suzuna’s face, forcing her to make eye contact.
“I just did.”
“You stuttered.”
“Everyone stutters sometimes.”
“That’s true. You like biting, don’t you?”
Suzuna’s expression turned visibly sullen at those words.
“…You’re talking about different kinds of biting, aren’t you?”
“Hmm? What do you mean?”
“…You’re using the word ‘bite’ in two different ways.”
“Ah, you mean this?”
I pretended not to understand and pointed at my inner thigh, over my skirt.
There was still a clear mark where Suzuna bit me.
“It’s fine, I let you bite me.”
Suzuna’s expression turned defiant, and she sniffled.
“…Which meaning?”
“Both.”
Saying words is one thing, but most people don’t like being bitten physically.
“It’s fine with me. Either way.”
But I’m okay with it.
I can endure a little pain for the cute Suzuna.
“…You want to be bitten?”
Suzuna seemed momentarily taken aback, probably not expecting me to agree.
“If that’s what you want, Suzuna. It’s fine.”
“…That’s… not very interesting.”
“Not interesting?”
What’s with that response?
“Yeah, it’s better to bite someone who doesn’t want to be bitten.”
Suzuna casually says things that make me question her character.
I think it’s strange that I’m okay with being bitten, but it’s also strange that Suzuna wants to bite me when I don’t want to be bitten.
“That’s your way of showing affection, Suzuna, right? Of course, I’ll accept it.”
“…That’s not what I’m doing.”
I know Suzuna will deny it when I say that.
Knowing that, I often phrase things this way to see her reaction.
“Then what does it mean?”
“Stress relief.”
“You’re taking advantage of my willingness to accept it and biting me to relieve your stress. That’s still a form of affection.”
“…That’s how you interpret it.”
“Is there any other interpretation?”
Suzuna might be unaware of it, but I think that’s what she means.
“Since when have you been thinking that way?”
“Pretty much from the beginning?”
“…So you’ve been biting me multiple times, thinking it was a sign of affection from the beginning? You really are strange, Riri-chan.”
Of course, I didn’t think it was romantic love.
But I thought it was a sign of affection, at least.
“No, no, you’re the strange one for biting people so many times.”
“…Anyway, that’s not why I bite you. Don’t think about weird things.”
Suzuna started walking ahead.
She’s probably embarrassed, realizing what I said.
She’s so cute.
“Suzuna, wait for me.”
“I won’t.”
I quickened my pace and caught up to Suzuna.
“…By the way…”
“What?”
Suzuna’s demeanor changed slightly.
I sensed a certain resolve, like she had made up her mind about something.
“What do you like, Riri-chan?”
I didn’t expect such a basic question at this time.
Is she testing me?
“Well…”
I decided to tell her the first thing that came to mind.
“You, Suzuna.”
“…”
Suzuna’s eyes widened.
“Answer me seriously.”
“I am being serious.”
Suzuna started walking faster.
I sped up too.
Unfortunately for her, I’m more athletic, so I can easily keep up.
“Riri-chan, it’s morning, so let’s have a normal conversation.”
“Why? It’s fine. We’re not just friends anymore.”
I think this is okay since our relationship has deepened.
“That’s exactly why I want you to act normal!”
“Eh? Then it’s no different from before.”
I want to cherish our changed relationship.
I want to feel closer to Suzuna, who told me she likes me.
“It’s… different because we’re not just friends anymore, it’s… real. It’s too stimulating.”
“…Suzuna, you’re usually so cynical, and then you’re suddenly so pure.”
“Shut up.”
“You’re cute.”
“I said, shut up!”
Suzuna is trying to distance herself from me now, but even so, she’s someone I want to chase.
I think this is what it means to like someone.
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