Chapter 41 p2
Xu Jingyu didn’t think she was a good actress. She was simply imitating, mimicking emotions she didn’t understand.
But she had tried to understand them, believing that if she did, the person she had been waiting for might like her more.
A veteran actor had once criticized her, saying her performances lacked soul.
Xu Jingyu knew it was true. Her acting was 99% technique, the remaining 1% the missing soul.
She couldn’t find her soul.
She had initially thought it was because she was incapable of feeling emotions, her heart empty.
But later, she had realized it wasn’t that. How could she describe it?
It was as if the sun had once shone upon her, but she had forgotten, the memory lost, leaving her adrift in darkness, a nameless longing aching in her chest.
She had simply been waiting, longing for someone she couldn’t even name.
Until she met Xin Yao.
And then, in the darkness, she had seen the light.
Ah, I think I’ve found it, my soul.
Xin Yao, unaware of Xu Jingyu’s complex emotions, continued her subtle interrogation.
“You don’t understand ‘like’? Then you don’t have a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend?”
Xu Jingyu’s reply was swift. “No, I’ve always been single.”
Xin Yao smiled, quickly covering her mouth with her hand, as if afraid of her smile being too obvious.
But her sudden movement knocked over the glass of water on the table.
The glass shattered, the water splashing onto Xin Yao’s skirt, the coldness making her gasp.
“Ah!”
Xu Jingyu, her long arms reaching out, grabbed a napkin and bent down to wipe the water from Xin Yao’s skirt.
But Xin Yao was wearing a white dress, and the water had soaked the fabric at her thigh, making it transparent.
As Xu Jingyu dabbed at the wet fabric, her gaze inevitably fell on the exposed skin beneath, her fingers brushing against Xin Yao’s thigh, the soft flesh yielding beneath her touch.
Her eyes darkened, her breathing becoming shallow and rapid.
Her hand stilled, her fingers hovering above Xin Yao’s skin, wanting to touch, to caress, to possess.
Her gaze, her touch, both became more intense, burning into Xin Yao’s skin, making her heart race.
Especially in such a sensitive area.
Just as Xin Yao was about to speak, Xu Jingyu looked up.
And Xin Yao’s gaze fell into her eyes.
While they had only met a few times in this life, Xin Yao had gazed into those eyes countless times in her previous life.
That burning intensity, the unmistakable sign of arousal, of desire.
Just from looking at her leg? Through her clothes? Really, baby?
Xin Yao felt a flicker of panic. She always did when faced with Pei Yu’s unrestrained desire.
And now, with Xu Jingyu looking at her like she was about to devour her whole, she instinctively took a step back.
Xu Jingyu, always the predator, the pursuer, stood up and took a step closer, her gaze intense.
Xin Yao retreated, step by step, until her back was against the wall, leaving her nowhere to run. She swallowed nervously.
Xu Jingyu stood before her, their bodies almost touching.
Xin Yao could feel the warmth of her skin through the thin fabric of their clothes, the air between them thick with tension.
Xu Jingyu was much taller, her shadow falling over Xin Yao, trapping her.
Even breathing became difficult, Xin Yao’s eyelashes fluttering nervously as she clutched the hem of her dress.
Xu Jingyu slowly leaned down, her face inches from Xin Yao’s.
Xin Yao could feel her warm breath against her lips, her gaze fixed on the small beauty mark above Xu Jingyu’s lip.
She was about to be kissed.
But just as their lips were about to meet, Xu Jingyu stopped, her eyes closing tightly, her body trembling with restraint, a bead of sweat trickling down her forehead.
Then, she pulled away, her head resting against Xin Yao’s forehead, her eyes closed, her voice a soft whisper.
“I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t scare you.”
Xin Yao, feeling Xu Jingyu’s rapid breathing, her chest rising and falling against Xin Yao’s, wanted to say something, but she was afraid her lips would brush against Xu Jingyu’s.
Xu Jingyu pulled away, apologizing again.
She turned and sat down on the bed, taking a long drink of water.
Her movements were slightly exaggerated, the water trickling down her neck and into her shirt, the sight strangely sensual.
Xin Yao, her own breathing finally returning to normal, asked, “Ms. Xu, are you… alright?”
As she asked the question, she suddenly remembered Xu Jingyu’s strange behavior:
The gloves she never took off, the long sleeves and pants even in warm weather, her eagerness to touch yet her constant restraint.
A realization dawned on her. “Ms. Xu, are you sick?”
“Sick?” Xu Jingyu set down the water bottle and looked at Xin Yao.
“Not exactly. I’ve always been sick, but I’ve always been able to control it.”
Until I met you. Now, just a glance from you is enough to make me lose control.
But her words confirmed it. She was indeed sick.
Xin Yao, worried, stepped closer.
“What’s wrong? What kind of illness?”
Xu Jingyu looked at her, her posture seemingly relaxed yet tense, her silence stretching for a long moment before she finally spoke.
“If you hadn’t come to me tonight, I would have come to you.”
“I need you, Xin Yao.”
“I have… a severe case of skin hunger.”
“I crave touch, I crave physical contact, but other people’s touch disgusts me.”
“Except for yours. Only yours.”
Your touch is the only one I crave.
Ah, so that’s why she always kept herself covered, Xin Yao thought.
It must be a terrible affliction.
Xin Yao’s eyes softened with sympathy as she sat down beside Xu Jingyu. “Is it very uncomfortable?”
“It’s manageable,” Xu Jingyu replied.
But it wasn’t.
Especially after meeting Xin Yao. She could barely control herself, her every waking moment filled with a desperate longing for her touch.
“Then,” Xin Yao asked gently, “do you need my help?”
Xu Jingyu looked up at her, her gaze intense.
“Xin Yao, same-sex marriage has been legal in this country for two years.”
“Oh, okay? So?” The sudden change of topic confused Xin Yao.
“So,” Xu Jingyu hesitated, “if I proposed to you right now, would you think I’m crazy?”
Huh?
A proposal?
Again?!
Xin Yao thought: I’m still wondering if you like me, and you’re already talking about marriage!
I’ll never catch up with your speed, you marriage maniac!
Even though she had experienced this in her previous life, she still couldn’t help but ask.
“Why?”
“Ms. Xu, are you proposing because you need me for your skin hunger?”
“No!” Xu Jingyu’s reply was swift. “That’s not it. I just want to marry you.”
“For the 25 years before I met you, restraint wasn’t difficult.”
“But since meeting you, I can’t stop thinking about you.”
“If I wasn’t afraid of scaring you, or you finding me repulsive, I would have proposed the moment we met.”
What did that mean?
Were you telling me that even in another world, even though you don’t remember me, even though you don’t understand what it means to love, you were still waiting for me, and you fell in love with me the moment you saw me?
Xin Yao looked at Xu Jingyu, her voice slightly trembling.
“I understand your feelings, but please allow me to decline.”
Her rejection made Xu Jingyu’s eyes widen in surprise, her usual composure faltering.
She hadn’t expected Xin Yao to refuse. She had been so sure.
But Xin Yao had refused, her tone firm and unwavering.
What should she do?
Had her words been too much? Too forward? Too soon?
Did Xin Yao dislike her?
Would she avoid her now, distance herself, perhaps even find someone else, someone she could smile at, someone she could touch and kiss without reservation?
A dangerous glint flickered in Xu Jingyu’s eyes.
No.
The thought was unbearable.
If that day ever came, even if they weren’t together, even if Xin Yao had just rejected her proposal, even if she had no claim to her, Xu Jingyu would take what she wanted.
She just hoped Xin Yao wouldn’t hate her too much, wouldn’t think she was a monster.
Well…
Even if she did, it wouldn’t matter. Perhaps she was a monster.
As her thoughts spiraled downwards, a dangerous obsession taking root, Xin Yao spoke again, her voice soft.
“I can’t marry you.”
“Then how about a relationship…?”
“That’s not possible either.”
Xin Yao took a deep breath, looking at Xu Jingyu, her gaze earnest.
“I only date and marry people I love. Xu Jingyu, you proposed to me. Do you love me?”
Xu Jingyu opened her mouth to speak, but the words caught in her throat.
She didn’t know what love was.
She only felt a strange pressure in her chest, a nameless longing that threatened to consume her.
But what was this feeling?
As Xu Jingyu struggled to find the words, Xin Yao spoke again, her voice gentle.
“It’s okay if you don’t know yet. I can wait. And I can help you.”
“You crave touch, physical intimacy. How intimate are we talking about?”
Xu Jingyu, surprised by the unexpected turn in the conversation, looked up at Xin Yao, her eyes softening slightly.
Her gaze lingered on Xin Yao’s lips, then on her eyes.
“If I’m being honest… I’m afraid of scaring you.”
“It’s okay. I don’t think I’ll be scared,” Xin Yao replied.
“My needs are quite intense. I crave intimacy, holding hands, kissing, sex. I need it all. And I need it now.”
She wanted to hold Xin Yao’s hand, to touch her, to make love to her, to marry her.
Since meeting Xin Yao, these desires had become a constant, almost unbearable ache.
While her words were honest, a true reflection of her desires, they sounded like the ramblings of a madwoman.
Xin Yao, still unable to handle her bluntness, blushed, the heat spreading from her ears down her neck.
“So, no attempts at bribery this time?”
“If you’re willing, money is no object, Miss Xin. But I’d rather marry you.”
Xin Yao, we should be dating, and we should be married.
You belong to me.
Every moment with Xin Yao only intensified these feelings.
Xin Yao paused, then spoke, her voice firm.
“I want to make this clear. I can help you, but marriage is out of the question. A relationship is also impossible. And please allow me to refuse any intimate acts.”
Her repeated rejections made Xu Jingyu’s eyes darken, the dim light amplifying the shadows in their depths.
Rejected on all counts.
Did Xin Yao hate her that much?
Would she have to resort to drastic measures to keep her by her side?
Xin Yao, oblivious to the dangerous thoughts swirling in Xu Jingyu’s mind, continued, “Kissing on set is unavoidable, it’s part of the job, but outside of work, I won’t kiss you, and I certainly won’t sleep with you.”
“Why? The compensation…”
“I don’t want your money, Ms. Xu,” Xin Yao said, her gaze soft.
“I’ll say it again. I only date, marry, kiss, and share intimacy with people I love.”
“Xu Jingyu, I can only kiss you if you love me.”
Xu Jingyu opened her mouth to speak, but Xin Yao interrupted her, her voice warm and gentle in the dim light.
“But… let’s hold hands.”
“When you can’t bear it anymore, when you’re truly suffering, come find me. We can hold hands, secretly, where no one can see us.”
She had rejected her, yet she offered comfort, a lifeline in her despair, her gaze so gentle and understanding.
Xu Jingyu looked at Xin Yao, her long eyelashes fluttering, her expression a mix of confusion and vulnerability, like a lost puppy.
Seeing her pitiful expression, Xin Yao’s heart softened.
She didn’t want Xu Jingyu to suffer.
“As for kissing…”
She held up three fingers. “Only three times.”
“Before you love me, I can only kiss you three times.”
Xu Jingyu, sitting quietly in the dim light, looked at Xin Yao’s gentle face, then reached out and took her hand.
“Okay.”
But Xin Yao had made a mistake.
Xu Jingyu wasn’t a docile puppy. She was more like a rabid dog, a ferocious wolf.
She shouldn’t be pitied, because the moment you let your guard down, she would devour you whole.
Xu Jingyu’s fingers tightened around Xin Yao’s hand, her gaze darkening, her voice a low, dangerous whisper.
“Then, I want to use one now.”
“What?” Xin Yao blinked, confused. “Use one now?”
“I want to kiss you,” Xu Jingyu’s gaze was intense, her voice firm. “Now.”
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