Chapter 112: If
You Ruxu spent a long time feeding Zhou Tianzui, whose appetite wasn’t good, eating the porridge in small, hesitant bites. She said to You Ruxu, “You go eat.”
“I’m not hungry yet.” You Ruxu said, “Are you done?”
Zhou Tianzui said, “I’m full.”
You Ruxu looked down at her, Zhou Tianzui’s face pale, making her eyes seem even brighter. Usually so talkative, she was unusually quiet now. Zhou Tianzui looked up, meeting You Ruxu’s gaze, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” You Ruxu looked down. “I’m going to eat.”
She returned to the table. Yu Qiao had finished eating and was clearing the dishes. She said, “I’m not staying tonight.”
Zhou Tianzui, thinking it was because of their embrace earlier that Yu Qiao was leaving, didn’t try to persuade her to stay, just told her to be careful. After Yu Qiao left, You Ruxu picked at her cold food, her appetite gone.
A message notification. She glanced at her phone, her eyes falling on the previous message.
She scrolled up and clicked on it.
She put down her chopsticks.
Zhou Tianzui, hearing this, asked, “Are you full?”
You Ruxu said, “Yes.”
She cleared the table, scraping the leftover food into a container, putting the trash in a separate bag, then went to the bathroom to get a warm towel for Zhou Tianzui, helping her wash her face. Zhou Tianzui adjusted the bed slightly, still lying down, trying to move, when You Ruxu said, “Don’t move.”
Zhou Tianzui said, “It’s not that bad.”
You Ruxu said, “It still hurts.”
Zhou Tianzui said, “What about you? Don’t you hurt?”
You Ruxu said, “I’m fine now.”
Zhou Tianzui said, “Then get up and walk around.”
Hitting a sore spot.
You Ruxu said, “At least I’ll be able to walk before you.”
They bickered like children, deliberately avoiding the topic of Zhou Qiming, their work, the news online, like two turtles retreating into their shells, shutting out the outside world, their conversation light and meaningless.
Zhou Tianzui, after washing her face, seeing You Ruxu still working on her laptop, said, “Not going to sleep?”
You Ruxu said, “Just a couple more emails.”
Zhou Tianzui watched her work. You Ruxu was often busy when they lived together, but they deliberately avoided each other’s work. So, whenever she saw You Ruxu working, she would go to her room, read some articles or medical journals, and wait until You Ruxu came to bed.
Recently, however, she often watched You Ruxu work.
Her focused attention, the quiet intensity, a comforting warmth.
She said, “Come here.”
You Ruxu looked up at her.
Zhou Tianzui said, “Bring your laptop over.”
You Ruxu hesitated, then placed the laptop on her lap and wheeled herself over to Zhou Tianzui’s bed. Zhou Tianzui moved over slightly. The bed wasn’t big, there would be no space left if they both lay down side by side. You Ruxu, worried about Zhou Tianzui’s wound, shook her head.
Zhou Tianzui said, “Get up here.”
You Ruxu, unable to refuse, lifted the blanket, supported herself with her hands, and sat on the bed. She opened the small table attached to the bed, placed the laptop on it, the perfect distance. You Ruxu’s slender fingers flew across the keyboard. Zhou Tianzui listened to the rhythmic clicking, her head resting near You Ruxu’s waist, inhaling her scent.
She hadn’t felt sleepy before, but now, she wanted to sleep.
She closed her eyes.
You Ruxu, after sending the emails, looked down at Zhou Tianzui, her eyes closed. It had only been a few days, yet Zhou Tianzui seemed to have lost weight, not just physically, but her usual energy also seemed to have diminished. She gently brushed Zhou Tianzui’s bangs away from her forehead, and Zhou Tianzui’s eyelids fluttered open.
Still a light sleeper.
You Ruxu said, “Go to sleep, I’ll move to the other bed.”
Zhou Tianzui said, “Don’t go.”
You Ruxu placed the laptop on the bedside table, closed the small table, and lay down beside Zhou Tianzui. Zhou Tianzui held her hand, their palms slightly sweaty. You Ruxu’s leg was still uncomfortable. Zhou Tianzui said, “Put it on my leg.”
“No.” You Ruxu said, “Your leg will go numb.”
Zhou Tianzui said, “It’s fine.”
You Ruxu carefully placed her leg on Zhou Tianzui’s, then after a few seconds, took it back. They lay side by side, the narrow bed leaving no space between them, the railings on both sides like a protective barrier, enclosing them. You Ruxu turned slightly, half lying on Zhou Tianzui, listening to her rapid heartbeat, “You’ll never fall asleep like this.”
You Ruxu said, “Then let’s not sleep.”
Zhou Tianzui looked down at her, “What do you want to do if we don’t sleep?”
You Ruxu said, “Talk.”
Zhou Tianzui asked, “What do you want to talk about?”
You Ruxu said, “Are you still going to be a doctor?”
Zhou Tianzui said, “We’ll talk about it after our trip.”
You Ruxu asked again, “Are we still going on that trip?”
Zhou Tianzui didn’t answer this time, just held You Ruxu’s hand tightly beneath the blanket, their fingers interlaced. You Ruxu snuggled closer, her hair brushing against Zhou Tianzui’s face. She brushed it away and said, “I’ve been thinking lately.”
Zhou Tianzui asked, “Thinking about what?”
“About when we first met.” You Ruxu said, “You hadn’t been at the hospital for long then.”
Zhou Tianzui had transferred from another hospital, shortly before You Ruxu came for the interview. The director had asked her to pick You Ruxu up, and later, when You Ruxu went to their office, several people had tried to convince her to assign the liaison task to them.
Zhou Tianzui could have easily taken the opportunity to curry favor, but she hadn’t.
You Ruxu said, “I was very happy.”
Zhou Tianzui said, “About what?”
You Ruxu said, “You said, you would be my contact person from now on.”
She hadn’t understood her feelings for Zhou Tianzui back then, just that the decision made her happy, Zhou Tianzui said, “You had a crush on me back then?”
A half-joking, half-serious question.
Zhou Tianzui said, “You were quite reserved.”
She hadn’t shown any signs, if she hadn’t said it now, Zhou Tianzui would never have guessed. You Ruxu said, “It wasn’t about being reserved.”
She hadn’t wanted to impose on Zhou Tianzui’s life.
She didn’t know about Zhou Tianzui’s sexual orientation, and even if they were both interested, their professions presented a huge obstacle. But people were strange, these issues, after she found out who Zhou Tianzui was, no longer seemed like obstacles.
Perhaps she needed a reason to stay by Zhou Tianzui’s side.
And atonement was the perfect excuse.
She sometimes felt Zhou Tianzui wasn’t cruel enough to her, she wanted Zhou Tianzui to torment her, yet also to love her, but when Zhou Tianzui truly showed her affection,
She couldn’t believe it.
Zhou Tianzui said, “You’re so complicated.”
You Ruxu chuckled, looking up at Zhou Tianzui, “Aren’t you complicated as well?”
Zhou Tianzui said, “I’m not complicated, when I make a decision, it’s final.”
You Ruxu was speechless.
After a long moment, she asked, “When did you start liking me?”
Zhou Tianzui said, “Why do you want to know?”
You Ruxu said, “Can’t I ask?”
Zhou Tianzui said, “You can.”
You Ruxu asked again, “When?”
Zhou Tianzui said, “I don’t remember.”
You Ruxu, lying on top of her, looked into her eyes, so close that she could see her own reflection in Zhou Tianzui’s clear, bright eyes, she remembered how those eyes looked when she smiled, when she cried, when she was happy, when she was angry, like images etched in her memory, You Ruxu’s face appearing every time she closed her eyes.
You Ruxu said, “Forget it then, if you don’t remember.”
Zhou Tianzui said, “Hug me tighter, maybe I’ll remember.”
You Ruxu wanted to laugh, but tears welled up in her eyes, “Am I not hugging you already?”
“That doesn’t count.” Zhou Tianzui said, “Hug me tighter.”
You Ruxu hugged her tighter, her body half draped over Zhou Tianzui’s, one leg resting on hers, her head turned to the side, Zhou Tianzui’s arm around her shoulder, You Ruxu’s soft breaths warm against her ear.
They embraced for a long time.
You Ruxu said, “Do you remember now?”
Zhou Tianzui said, “Almost.”
You Ruxu looked up at Zhou Tianzui, their eyes meeting. A faint blush colored the corners of Zhou Tianzui’s eyes, a stark contrast against her pale skin, her long, thick eyelashes casting shadows, dark circles under her eyes, her expression tired and vulnerable. You Ruxu, seeing the change in her eyes, their color softening as they gazed at her, her lips parted slightly, her head tilted back, Zhou Tianzui hesitated for a moment, then lay back down on the bed.
You Ruxu asked, “What’s wrong?”
Zhou Tianzui said, “It hurts.”
You Ruxu said, “Then don’t move.”
Zhou Tianzui, her arms still around You Ruxu, “I won’t move, you cooperate.”
Before You Ruxu could ask what she meant by “cooperate,” Zhou Tianzui shifted slightly, their faces now close. You Ruxu, her eyes widening slightly in surprise, felt Zhou Tianzui’s lips on hers.
Soft lips.
A light, fleeting touch, then she pulled away.
You Ruxu’s eyes reddened, one arm still around Zhou Tianzui, her other hand gently cupping Zhou Tianzui’s face, she returned the kiss.
Closing her eyes, tears welled up, dampening their hospital gowns.
It was unclear whose tears they were.
The kiss was soft and lingering, You Ruxu’s hands gently cupping Zhou Tianzui’s face, as if she couldn’t get enough, leaning in again when Zhou Tianzui pulled away slightly.
Taking the initiative, so unlike her.
After a long moment, You Ruxu released Zhou Tianzui. They lay side by side, looking at the ceiling.
You Ruxu said, “I’m doing the anonymous interview tomorrow.”
Zhou Tianzui said, “Okay, come back early after you’re done.”
You Ruxu smiled faintly.
She heard Zhou Tianzui also chuckle softly.
They didn’t look at each other.
Zhou Tianzui asked, “If you hadn’t found that notebook back then, would you still have come to Jindu?”
You Ruxu looked at the fluorescent light above, its white glow tinged with other colors, a dazzling sight, and said, “No.”
Zhou Tianzui asked, “What would you have done?”
You Ruxu said, “I don’t know, probably listened to my mom and joined the court system?”
Zhou Tianzui said, “That would have been nice.”
You Ruxu then asked, “What about you?”
Zhou Tianzui said, “I would still be a doctor.”
You Ruxu said, “That would have been nice too.”
Zhou Tianzui said, “But there’s no ‘if’.” She looked at You Ruxu, “You came to Jindu, and we met.” You Ruxu turned her head, her eyes, still slightly red from crying, clear and bright, reflecting the light.
Reflecting Zhou Tianzui.
Zhou Tianzui said, “A Ran, let’s try again, okay?”
You Ruxu looked into her eyes, then after a few seconds, wrapped her arms around Zhou Tianzui, burying her face in her embrace, holding her tightly.
Leave a Reply