No. 67 Guarding Faded Feelings
As the doctor had warned, my mother’s infection worsened.
Xiaodie and I spent almost every evening that week at the hospital. My mother, confined to the intensive care unit, was constantly feverish, her moments of consciousness filled with delirium, making communication impossible.
The doctors had no solutions, only advice. They urged my father to stay by her side around the clock and reminded us to pay close attention to her words, as if hinting that these might be her final farewells.
“You two have been attending school all day. You must be tired. I’ll watch over her. Go home and rest,” my father said, his voice weary, as we arrived at the hospital on Sunday afternoon. He had been awake for days, tirelessly peeling fruit for my mother, who was asleep.
“But…”
I hesitated.
The future of our family had veered into uncharted territory.
If I had followed the original timeline, I would have known the exact date of my mother’s death, the precise sequence of events. But my father’s decision to proceed with the surgery, influenced by my gender, had thrown everything into disarray. I was caught between hope and despair, unsure which path to embrace.
“There’s nothing you can do here. She’s asleep.” He sighed, glancing at my mother. “Xiaodie, thank you for everything you’ve done.”
“It’s my pleasure, Uncle. I should be thanking you for letting me stay at your place and eat all your food,” Xiaodie replied cheerfully.
“Don’t mention it. Here’s a letter for you.” He retrieved an envelope from the bedside table and handed it to her. “I need to talk to Yi Yao alone.”
“I’ll wait for you outside, Yi Yao.” She waved goodbye and left the ward, her backpack slung over her shoulder.
I sat down beside my mother’s bed.
As Xiaodie left, my father turned to me, his gaze unreadable. “Yi Yao, how did you meet the mayor’s daughter?”
“Huh?”
I had expected him to ask about my mother’s condition. “We met while hanging out with friends. Why?”
“Do you like her?”
“Like her? What do you mean?”
His question caught me off guard. It was like being interrogated about a forbidden romance.
Our interactions at home weren’t particularly affectionate. We ate together, slept in the same room, that was all. And my father was rarely home. How had he noticed anything?
“It’s nothing. You’ve come to terms with your mother’s illness, haven’t you?”
His sudden change of subject left me confused. “Yeah…” I mumbled, unsure how to respond.
“I never expected you to do so well in school. Have you thought about which high school you want to attend?”
“Does it matter where I go?” I asked, surprised.
Hadn’t he said that education was pointless for girls? Hadn’t he said we were broke?
“I don’t have any preference. With your grades, you can get into any high school in the city.”
“Yi Yao… I see how hard you’re working. But… I think you should find a boyfriend.”
He added, his voice heavy with guilt, “I’ve let you down too many times. You deserve…”
“I’ll make my own decisions,” I said coldly, meeting his gaze. “Shouldn’t you be more concerned about yourself?”
The person you love, and the person who loves you. How do you choose?
We owed each other nothing.
The memories of this body, of Yi Yao’s past, held little affection for her father. It was the natural rebellion of a teenage girl.
She had simply believed that, since he had given her life, she had a duty to be a good daughter, to study hard, to make him proud.
It was a transactional relationship, devoid of emotional depth. He provided for her, and she fulfilled his expectations.
When she couldn’t meet those expectations, she had sought escape.
I, however, still harbored some affection for him, a remnant from my previous life. But as I witnessed his flaws, his weaknesses, his betrayals, that affection had begun to fade.
“You… you know, don’t you?” he asked, his voice trembling.
“Know what?” I feigned ignorance.
As if sensing the tension in our conversation, my mother stirred in her sleep, her brow furrowed.
“Never mind… just keep your phone on while you’re at school,” he said, echoing the words from my memory.
“Why?”
“Every time your mother has a crisis, the doctors tell me she has no will to live. I’m worried…”
“Don’t be silly, Dad. She’ll be fine. She’s a fighter. She’s pulled through so much already.”
“I hope so. We’ve done everything we can. The rest is up to fate…”
“And one more thing. I don’t want you to be with that girl.”
His words hit me like a thunderbolt, shattering my world.
“You’re too young. It’s not right. You can wait until university to start dating. I’m not a strict father. As long as the person is good to you, I don’t care who you date. Every parent wants their child to be happy.”
But how did he know about Xiaodie and me?
“Go on, talk to her. I’m tired. I don’t have the energy for this. I’ll stay here with your mother. I’ll call you if anything happens.”
“…”
I wanted to argue, to defend our relationship, but his gaze was unwavering. I lowered my eyes, defeated, and left the ward without a word.
“How did it go?”
Xiaodie, who had been waiting patiently outside, looked at me with concern.
“I don’t know. Maybe history is repeating itself,” I said, forcing a smile.
And then, she pulled me into a warm embrace.
“I love your strength, Yi Yao, but it’s okay to be vulnerable sometimes,” she whispered, her voice soothing. “No matter what happens, you have me. Don’t give up.”
Her hug was tight, her heartbeat a comforting rhythm against my back.
“I’m fine.”
I gently pushed her away, my gaze falling on the envelope in her hand. “What did my mother tell you?”
She tucked the envelope into her skirt pocket and tilted her head playfully. “It’s a secret.”
“You’re such a tease.”
“I’ll tell you eventually. Hey, Yi Yao, Ouyang Dati just messaged me. They can’t handle Xiaobai anymore.”
We walked towards the elevator, and she showed me the message on her phone.
“Xiaobai?” It took me a moment to realize she was referring to the white tiger cub we had encountered in the cave. “Can’t they just take it to the zoo?”
“Dati said it’s not possible. Xiaobai seems to have some psychological issues. It goes berserk if it doesn’t see us every day.”
“How did they manage for the past few months?”
“They showed it pictures of us.”
“I’ve never heard of a tiger behaving like that.”
“Dati said it’s more like a dog.”
My phone rang. The caller ID showed a picture of Pai Ge, a playing card held jauntily between his fingers.
“What’s up?”
“Yi Yao, be careful. Shadow seems to be onto you and Xiaodie,” he said, his voice serious.
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