v2c6: Pretending and Pretending
Lu Li undid the top button of his shirt, freeing his neck from its constricting embrace. His eyes were clouded, his vision blurry. He swung his suit jacket around like a rag, leaning against the wall by the entrance, completely disoriented. An Baili, hearing the commotion, emerged from the living room.
“Li, have you been drinking again?”
“…Couldn’t avoid it. Business…” His words slurred, his tongue battling his teeth.
He reached out, wanting An Baili to help him steady himself. Perhaps it was the alcohol, but his legs felt weak, unable to support his weight. But his wife’s helping hand didn’t come. He searched for her with his hazy vision. “Help me…”
“You promised you’d come home early today. I’ve been waiting since six.” Was An Baili complaining? Lu Li couldn’t tell if she was being petulant or simply stating a fact.
“Business…”
“Do you even know what day it is today?”
Lu Li rummaged through his muddled brain, grasping for an answer. “The day to meet Mr. Li?”
“It’s our seventh anniversary!” He couldn’t decipher her tone. His head felt like it was filled with mercury, heavy and aching, a chilling sensation. He tried to smile, but the alcohol twisted it into a cynical sneer. “Heh.”
This is bad. He thought to himself, but he was so tired, all he wanted was to sleep.
“Help me… I’ll shower tomorrow… not today…” He mumbled incoherently, reaching out again.
An Baili still didn’t take his hand. Under the bright living room lights, he could see that she had put on makeup and was wearing a tea-colored dress – the one she had worn on their first date. It was faded and slightly frayed, but she had kept it all these years. She looked beautiful, ethereal like a goddess. Lu Li chuckled foolishly. “Venus, is that you?”
His arm hung in the air, his shoulder aching. He slumped forward, ready to fall asleep right there in the entrance. An Baili shook him awake but didn’t say anything. A sliver of clarity returned to him. “What do you want?”
“This isn’t the first time you’ve stood me up! Last time, you promised to go shopping with me, but you ended up meeting Chen Jianing instead!”
“…She’s my business partner…”
“And the time before that…”
Lu Li pressed his hand against his head. “Stop it, I’m dizzy. Let me rest, okay? Honey?”
Not this again. The thought crossed both their minds. Lu Li sighed. This wasn’t the first time An Baili had thrown a tantrum. He had his reasons. Why couldn’t she understand? Who would willingly drink with capitalists every night if it wasn’t for their family? An Baili, you’re not a student anymore.
“…No…” An Baili pouted, her eyes filled with a complex mix of emotions. “You have to stay with me tonight. I… I’m wearing stockings…”
“Honey.”
“Hmm…”
“Please, just let me sleep.” His voice was pleading.
But it was that tone that stung her. Why did he always sound so accommodating? What was so unreasonable about her request? This was the fourth time he had stood her up this year. Every time, she would prepare excitedly, and he would come home reeking of alcohol. The first time, she had smiled and told him to rest. The second time, she had silently helped him sober up. The third time, she had gotten angry. This was the fourth.
Why was he so happy when he was with Wen Hupo? Why was it so difficult with her? She didn’t dare to delve deeper into those thoughts. An Baili bit her lip and grabbed his sleeve. She needed him to spend their anniversary with her tonight, as if that would prove she was no less worthy than Wen Hupo.
Seeing her stubbornness, Lu Li finally snapped. “Baili.”
She ignored him, pouting angrily.
“Our wedding anniversary is one thing, but now we have our dating anniversary, our first date anniversary, our hand-holding anniversary!” He exploded. “We’re celebrating some nonsensical anniversary seven or eight days a month! Don’t I have to work? What are you thinking?!”
“You don’t work that much! We have enough money!” An Baili argued back.
“What about our future children? We need more money to maintain this lifestyle! We need to make sure the company can run smoothly even without me managing it!” His voice rose.
“Are you blaming me for not being able to have children?”
His tone softened. “Honey, that’s not what I meant. The doctor said it’s not a problem with either of us…” It was strange. Both of them were perfectly healthy, so why couldn’t they conceive?
But An Baili was fixated on her own insecurities. “That’s not what you said before! You said you would love me forever even if we didn’t have children!”
I still love you! He wanted to shout, but his mind was too heavy, and the words felt too sincere. His mouth opened and closed, but no sound came out.
He just wanted to sleep. He would apologize and make it up to her tomorrow. It would be fine. Thinking this, he closed his eyes. Arguing with a drunk person was pointless, and An Baili was currently that pointless person. Seeing him ignoring her, she felt utterly wronged and shook him awake again. “No, you have to spend time with me tonight.”
“…” He remained silent, his anger simmering.
Seven years, and An Baili hadn’t changed. She was still like a child who refused to grow up. He had always believed that she would mature, so he had pretended to be a father encouraging his daughter, showering her with care and attention. An Baili had also pretended to be an obedient wife, even though it went against her nature. They were both pretending. Today, Lu Li finally realized that he hadn’t changed her; she had changed him.
That was the first time they had a big fight. He couldn’t remember what hurtful words he had said in his drunken state, only that when he woke up the next morning, An Baili’s bedside table was piled high with tear-stained tissues. He had rushed to apologize, but she had found him first, admitting her mistakes, her demeanor so humble that she seemed to have lost herself – she had always been like that.
He felt nothing but helplessness and a sense of being lost.
It seemed they had never been compatible from the start.
Now, listening to young An Baili’s sobs, he remembered the mountain of tissues beside their bed. The tears had dried, but the wounds remained. The love he desired was one of equality, a partnership, not a master and his possession. Why didn’t she understand? Where did her obsession come from? Lu Li leaned against the wall, his heart heavy.
The hardest thing to bear was a beautiful woman’s kindness, the hardest thing to repay was her love. No matter what he chose, it would only compound the mistake. The best solution was to nip it in the bud.
******
The following are the author notes, Just a note to beware:
(The following storyline in this volume will focus on An Baili and will be quite depressing initially.)
Leave a Reply