73 The Empty Me
“…Riri-chan, what is this?”
“What do you mean? I’m just comforting you.”
Riri-chan was letting me use her lap as a pillow, and she was even stroking my head.
Fortunately, we were hidden in a secluded spot, so I don’t think anyone saw us, but…
“I’m asking why you’re doing this.”
“I’m just rewarding you for your hard work, Suzuna.”
“I’m worried someone might see us.”
“But you’re not resisting.”
“Well… that’s true.”
I don’t dislike having Riri-chan as my pillow or having my head stroked by her.
Riri-chan’s body is soft, and her touch is gentle.
“Hey, Suzuna… what kind of person were you… in the past?”
She suddenly asked that.
“My past…?”
“Yeah, we only met recently, right? So I don’t know anything about your childhood or anything.”
“…It’s not very interesting.”
Because I’m a boring person.
I don’t think there’s any point in listening to someone like that’s story.
“Your story is interesting to me, Suzuna.”
“…Are you looking for a laugh?”
“That’s not what I mean.”
She wasn’t giving me a chance to escape.
Which “me” is she asking about? Amatsuki Suzuna or Yukitsuki Mashiro?
…Yukitsuki Mashiro, I guess.
I pondered where to begin and sighed before quietly starting my story.
◇◇◇
“Mashiro-chan seems so uninterested in everything, it’s like she’s boring.”
That was something I heard often, regardless of the person’s gender.
For example, conversations about classmates, music, the internet, TV, sports.
It didn’t matter what it was, I was indifferent to everything and never shared common interests with anyone.
So I couldn’t understand why everyone was so enthusiastic about gossiping.
“Yeah, I’m not interested.”
But I didn’t think it was a bad thing when I was younger.
Because I knew people who were just like me.
◇◇◇
“Mom, here.”
I handed my tests and assignments to my mother.
My mother took them silently and looked them over.
“Good work.”
That was all.
Whether the results were good or bad, her response was always the same.
The conversation ended with her flat voice and businesslike remark.
My father was often away from home on business trips, and I barely have any memories of talking to him.
Even when he occasionally came home and we talked—
“I see. Okay.”
—That was his only response.
But I never thought this was strange.
This was normal to me; it was the reactions of the outside world that were abnormal.
Since my parents are indifferent, it’s only natural that I’m also indifferent.
It was a natural consequence, and I never felt any discomfort.
I grew up like that.
◇◇◇
“Yukitsuki, have you thought about what you want to do after graduation?”
At the age of fifteen, having done nothing in particular with my life, I must have been a headache for my homeroom teacher.
“Not really, I don’t care.”
I wasn’t interested.
My grades were average, neither good nor bad.
I didn’t feel like making any more effort, nor did I feel like slacking off.
So I knew roughly what kind of schools I could get into.
Once high school was decided, I could see the future that awaited me.
Since it was an ordinary high school, a life as an ordinary person awaited me, whether I went to college or got a job.
I could imagine the mundane future, and I wasn’t interested.
“You don’t care? Do you have any specific aspirations?”
“I’ll go wherever I get in.”
The teacher scratched his cheek, looking troubled.
“Have you discussed this with your parents?”
We were in the career counseling room, where parent-teacher-student meetings were usually held.
But it was just me and the teacher.
The answer was obvious.
“They said I can do what I want.”
“…Is that so?”
That’s a lie.
They didn’t say anything.
◇◇◇
I went to high school.
I didn’t have any close friends, but I accepted that.
I guess it’s better to have friends, but it was difficult for me.
I’m not good at… liking someone.
Because I lacked those kinds of emotions.
“Hey, Yukitsuki-san, why are you always alone?”
“She likes being alone.”
“She’s always quiet, it’s creepy.”
“I don’t know what she’s thinking.”
Even I felt downhearted hearing those whispers, knowing they were talking about me.
I don’t mind being alone, but I don’t like being ridiculed for it.
I can’t stay the same as when I was a child forever.
Having gradually learned some social skills, I became tired of the stares from those around me.
That’s when I started watching manga and anime.
The characters seemed to be full of emotions.
Fighting, becoming friends, falling in love.
They seemed to express the emotions I lacked to the fullest.
I thought maybe I could gain something by watching something born from emptiness, since I myself was empty.
And after playing the dating sim “My Girlfriend Next Door Is Super Sweet,” I realized…
I don’t understand the characters’ emotions.
Concluding that it was because I’m an apathetic person, I stopped caring about everything.
◇◇◇
“…See? It’s a boring story, isn’t it?”
I gave a rough summary of Yukitsuki Mashiro’s life.
Even looking back on it myself, it was completely uninteresting.
If someone told me to give them back their time, I’d apologize sincerely.
“No, no, it was very interesting.”
“…Seriously?”
“Seriously, seriously.”
Is this really interesting? Has Riri-chan never heard anyone else’s life story before?
Her reaction was so strange that I started to doubt such an impossible thing.
“So, like you said earlier, Riri-chan, love is impossible for me.”
That’s why I don’t know what to do about Shindo-kun or the heroines.
I’ve completely given up.
“It’s okay. You have a heart, Suzuna. You’ll understand love soon.”
She’s saying such carefree things after just making me realize the harsh truth.
I know it’s not her fault, but I don’t want her to say such irresponsible things either.
“But I’ve lived my life without being able to understand it. It’s impossible for me anymore.”
I’m hollow, empty, and lacking.
“Seriously…”
“Ouch!”
She cupped my face in her hands.
My vision shifted upwards as she made me look at her. I was using her lap as a pillow.
Riri-chan lowered her face closer to mine.
Our foreheads almost touched.
“I’m proof of that.”
“Proof of what, Riri-chan…?”
“Proof that you can change, Suzuna.”
“Huh…?”
What is this, a riddle?
I’m not good with that kind of mental gymnastics, so please spare me.
“You didn’t have any friends, right?”
“That’s true, but…”
Is she the type who likes rubbing salt in the wound by confirming sad facts?
“What about me?”
“…Riri-chan.”
“No, I mean, in terms of… position?”
“…Friend.”
Then what is she trying to say?
“See? You’ve changed. You learned something new, and you even complained to Kaede, didn’t you? Isn’t that because you learned what it means to like someone, to have a friend?”
“…”
That might be true.
“See? You’ll be fine, Suzuna.”
“…I wonder.”
“Yeah, it’s just that no one happened to teach you.”
If emotions are transmitted through people, then…
“But I’m here now, so it’s okay. I’ll teach you, Suzuna.”
Maybe I can learn from Riri-chan.
After all, she’s the one who’s always filled the emptiness within me.
74 Things You Like
It was nearing the end of June.
The sports festival was over, freeing me from committee activities, and my daily life returned to normal.
Though the scorching hot days were getting to me.
“Suzuna, are you free after school today?”
Riri-chan asked during lunch break while we were eating together.
“I am.”
“Then come shopping with me.”
Shopping… We went to the downtown area before for shopping.
I remember being flustered, buying unfamiliar casual clothes.
“Kanaori will get mad if we’re seen shopping in our uniforms.”
Riri-chan’s expression turned sullen at the mention of her name.
“I don’t care what that girl says. It’s not like we’re committing a crime.”
“Those are the words of the student council president.”
“I don’t acknowledge her.”
“…Are you against democracy?”
“That’s not what I mean!”
“…Do you have a problem with the election system?”
“Suzuna, stop making the conversation so difficult!”
I was scolded.
“So, are you coming or not?”
She pressed me intensely.
I’m happy that Riri-chan invited me.
But I feel bad about ignoring the student council president’s words.
If I refuse, I might upset Riri-chan.
I nodded.
“I’m coming.”
“Good girl.”
Riri-chan’s mood immediately brightened.
◇◇◇
After school.
We walked through the downtown area together.
The streets were crowded with people leaving work and school, creating a bustling atmosphere.
I still don’t like these kinds of crowds.
“Here.”
Riri-chan suddenly held out her hand.
What’s this?
There’s no treat in her palm.
“You looked restless, Suzuna. You’ll feel better if we hold hands.”
“Ah, okay…”
Riri-chan is quick to pick up on my subtle cues, even though I didn’t say anything.
And she does this kind of thing without hesitation, it’s reassuring.
I took Riri-chan’s hand.
“Alright, let’s go.”
She walked ahead of me.
I’ve witnessed this scene many times.
Riri-chan walks in front, guiding me.
I always rely on her.
We arrived at the same general store in the building we visited before.
“This is it?”
Seeing the store brought back some unpleasant memories.
“Yeah, is something wrong?”
“…No, nothing.”
Riri-chan was looking at stuffed animals in this store, wondering which one to get for Tachibana-san’s birthday.
I got incredibly upset and left the store without saying anything.
We made up afterward, but seeing the store again brought back vivid memories of that time.
But that’s in the past; it has nothing to do with us now.
I’m just overthinking it.
I calmed myself and entered the store.
My eyes were immediately drawn to the stuffed animal corner.
“You really do like stuffed animals, Suzuna.”
Riri-chan, noticing my gaze, commented.
I do like stuffed animals, but that’s not the only reason I was looking.
“You were here before, looking at stuffed animals and wondering what to get for Tachibana-san’s present, right?”
“Ah, yeah, I was.”
Riri-chan also remembered and looked a little awkward.
“So what did you get her?”
“Ah, that… what was it again…? I didn’t buy anything here in the end. I think I gave her something like… aromatherapy stuff.”
“I see.”
Hearing that made me feel a little relieved.
I didn’t want her to give Tachibana-san something that both Riri-chan and I found cute.
“You’re not… angry about that, are you…?”
Riri-chan seemed a little nervous, as if she had stepped on a landmine.
It seems like I’m making her worry.
“I’m not. I understand, so it’s fine.”
“R-Right.”
But I might have been upset if she had given her a stuffed animal.
I looked at the stuffed animals again.
“…”
“Suzuna, do you like this kind of thing?”
Riri-chan picked up a stuffed animal from the corner I was looking at.
“…Kind of.”
It was a penguin stuffed animal.
But its face and body were too round, and its limbs were disproportionately short.
The only way you could tell it was a penguin was from its blue and white coloring; otherwise, it would have been an unidentified creature.
“…Isn’t it a bit… underwhelming?”
“I like that… indescribable quality.”
“Ah, I see…”
It seems it didn’t suit Riri-chan’s taste.
“Which one do you like better?”
Riri-chan picked up another penguin.
A gray and white version.
Those were the only two penguin stuffed animals.
“Both.”
“Eh, really…? Even though they’re different colors?”
“Well, it would be sad to leave one behind.”
“Sad…?”
“It would be sad if one of them was left alone when they’re a pair.”
“…I see.”
Riri-chan’s eyes widened, and she looked back and forth between the two penguins in her hands.
Seeing her reaction, I started to worry that I had said something strange again.
“Um, is that weird?”
“No, it’s cute.”
“Cute…?”
The penguins are cute, but…
“It’s cute how much you care about stuffed animals, Suzuna, and how you think it would be lonely for one of them to be left alone.”
“Ah, you mean… me…”
She was talking about me.
“But you can say that while holding such cute things in both hands?”
I think my cuteness is microscopic compared to these two penguins.
“Hmm… are these really that cute…?”
Riri-chan still doesn’t seem to understand.
◇◇◇
In the end, Riri-chan didn’t buy anything.
Apparently, while there were things she wanted, she could buy them another time.
I see, I thought as we left the building.
“Then I guess we’ll part ways here.”
Riri-chan’s house, located in the city, is only a few minutes’ walk from here.
It was natural for us to go our separate ways.
But I couldn’t bring myself to agree.
“…I’ll walk you home.”
“Eh, what’s with the sudden change of heart?”
“It’s just…”
I thought it would be lonely to part ways, that’s all.
But it’s embarrassing to say that out loud.
“You always walk me home when I leave your house, Riri-chan. It’s the same thing.”
“…Okay, if you insist, Suzuna.”
During the sports festival, Riri-chan said I’d understand what it means to like someone.
That I’d learn about friendship through her.
I wonder if I can convey my feelings to her, precisely because she has someone she likes.
But thinking about it made me feel down.
“Hey, Suzuna, you’ve stopped. Aren’t you walking me home?”
“Ah, sorry…”
The person Riri-chan likes…
If she starts dating them, she won’t be able to spend time with me like this anymore.
That’s unavoidable, but is it wrong of me to feel sad about it?
So I pray that day never comes.
I deliberately slowed my pace, wanting to spend even a little more time with Riri-chan.
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