Chapter 88: Why So Angry?
Qiao Rubai had been deliberating for quite a while. Ji Junxin, though still awake, had given up on receiving a reply that night.
As the saying goes, persevere, and you will see hope.
Although Ji Junxin had resigned herself to waiting, Qiao Rubai’s message arrived.
Unlike Ji Junxin’s long, rambling message, Qiao Rubai’s reply was short.
[I think A is angry because she’s afraid that B’s teasing isn’t just teasing, but B expressing her true feelings. A is probably afraid that B no longer likes her, what do you think?] Sender: Qiao Rubai.
Ji Junxin’s body stiffened as she read the message. Qiao Rubai’s words perfectly answered her question.
But she had just wanted to chat with her friend, to vent, to find a solution, not to be hit with such a direct answer!
Ji Junxin couldn’t quite process it. She was angry because she was afraid that Mi Hongdou’s jokes were actually criticisms, that Mi Hongdou no longer liked her… yes, that must be it. Besides the anger, she had also been worried that Mi Hongdou, her fan, would stop being her fan. That time, when Jiang Lingling was staring at Mi Hongdou, and she kept NGing, she had also been worried about losing Mi Hongdou as a fan, running away angrily after Director Pan called cut. Thinking about it now, whether it was the NG incident, the meatball incident, or the time Mi Hongdou said she would need digestive pills if she ate any more dates, she had been angry, but not at Mi Hongdou. She had been angry at herself! Angry at her own poor performance, at eating too much, at being greedy.
Qiao Rubai was right. She was right…
Ji Junxin was shocked to realize that her recent frequent anger had been directed at herself. It was, as Qiao Rubai said, because she was afraid of not being good enough, afraid of being disliked by Mi Hongdou.
So, that was it… Ji Junxin held her phone, frozen.
She had become so dependent on Mi Hongdou? Although she had a hunch, seeing it confirmed, Ji Junxin was still surprised.
Having understood the reason for her emotional outbursts, Ji Junxin now faced another question. In just over three months, why had she developed such strong feelings for Mi Hongdou? This fear of being disliked, of being abandoned, she had never felt it even with Qiao Rubai, her friend of over a decade.
Why?
Was it because Qiao Rubai was too busy recently, and Lu Gaoshi was gone, and she was too lonely? Or was it because Mi Hongdou’s cooking was too delicious, making her develop an uncontrollable fondness? No… it wasn’t just that. Ji Junxin knew those were contributing factors, but there was more.
What else? Ji Junxin couldn’t quite figure it out, but she felt like she was close to the answer. She hated this feeling of almost grasping the truth, yet still separated by a thin veil, a vague understanding but not quite there! It was incredibly frustrating. Unable to figure it out, yet unwilling to give up, Ji Junxin tossed and turned in bed, her movements no longer as quiet as before.
The bedroom lights had been off for a while, but Mi Hongdou was still awake. Ji Junxin had been tossing and turning since turning off the lights. Although the movements were subtle, Mi Hongdou, always attentive to Ji Junxin, could sense them. And although Ji Junxin was restless, there was no light from her side, which meant, in Mi Hongdou’s view, that she was trying to sleep. So, although Mi Hongdou was awake, she didn’t speak, thinking that Ji Junxin would eventually fall asleep.
But Ji Junxin continued tossing and turning, even turning on her phone once. The faint light made Mi Hongdou think she should check on her, but then the light went off, and Ji Junxin became quiet again, so she didn’t.
Until Ji Junxin started tossing and turning again, her movements more pronounced this time. A thought suddenly struck Mi Hongdou. Could it be that Ji Junxin had overeaten and was too embarrassed to get up and take medicine? Thinking this, she couldn’t help but speak up.
Just as Ji Junxin was about to roll out of bed in her frustration, trying to understand her feelings for Mi Hongdou, a voice came from the other bed.
“Ahem…” Mi Hongdou, afraid of startling Ji Junxin in the darkness, coughed softly before asking, “Can’t sleep?” Her voice was gentle.
The tossing and turning stopped abruptly.
Ji Junxin had been completely engrossed in her thoughts about Mi Hongdou. The sudden voice from the supposedly sleeping person startled her, and she broke out in a cold sweat. She was terrified that Mi Hongdou would discover her inner turmoil.
To Mi Hongdou, it was as if the person in the other bed had been launched into space after her question, no movement, no response, not even the sound of breathing. Was she really unwell from overeating?
Silence.
Mi Hongdou thought about it, she couldn’t let her suffer in silence. “Do you need those little hawthorn pills?” she asked, trying to sound casual.
Although she couldn’t see Mi Hongdou’s expression in the darkness, Ji Junxin could hear the concern in her voice…
She misunderstood again! Did she think she was a glutton! A glutton who needed digestive pills every day! Ji Junxin’s insecurity intensified. But thanks to Qiao Rubai’s advice, although frustrated, she didn’t lash out at Mi Hongdou.
“No, I didn’t overeat,” she said, trying to sound calm and convincing.
“Then why can’t you sleep? Are you uncomfortable?” Mi Hongdou asked, her concern invisible in the darkness.
So she had been awake the whole time? Ji Junxin’s mind raced. No, she couldn’t let Mi Hongdou know what she was thinking. She quickly found an excuse: “The bed is a little cold, that’s why I can’t sleep.”
As soon as she said it, she felt the warmth of the hot water bottle against her feet and knew she was doomed.
As expected, Mi Hongdou’s voice was full of confusion: “I filled the hot water bottles, mine is still very warm. Did you kick it out of bed? Or is it leaking? Let me check.”
Before Ji Junxin could refuse, Mi Hongdou sat up and turned on the light.
Light flooded the room, but Ji Junxin’s heart sank.
It was just a small lie! Did she have to expose it so quickly! Could they still be friends! Ji Junxin’s eyes, having adjusted to the darkness, stung from the sudden brightness, her mind racing with complaints.
Then… she squinted, and through her blurry vision, she saw Mi Hongdou walking towards her bed.
She couldn’t think of another excuse.
“Actually…” It’s quite warm… Ji Junxin’s honest words died in her throat.
Mi Hongdou, standing by the bed, reached under the covers near Ji Junxin’s feet. “Actually what?” she asked, quickly checking the hot water bottle. “It’s quite warm, not leaking, not kicked out of bed, did you not feel it? It’s here, move your feet over.” She patted the hot water bottle, guiding Ji Junxin’s feet.
“Nothing…” Someone had offered her a way out, she had to take it. Although having Mi Hongdou’s hand under her covers was a little embarrassing, Ji Junxin, eager to escape, obediently moved her feet.
After all that tossing and turning, Ji Junxin’s feet weren’t just warm, they were hot. So, when she followed Mi Hongdou’s guidance and touched something soft, cool, and smooth, the contrast in temperature was stark.
It was Mi Hongdou’s hand! Ji Junxin quickly retracted her foot.
“Haha, your feet are quite warm. Was my hand too cold? Okay, I’m going back to sleep, you hold the hot water bottle.” Mi Hongdou smiled and got up, her hand, which had just touched Ji Junxin’s warm, soft foot, now clenched behind her back. She quickly turned off the lights, got into bed, and… tried to calm her racing heart.
Preoccupied with calming herself down, Mi Hongdou, eager to hide her reaction by turning off the lights, missed Ji Junxin’s even more unusual reaction. She also didn’t notice that Ji Junxin hadn’t said anything after her explanation.
Yes, silent. How could she speak? … Mi Hongdou’s slightly cool hand was like an electric shock. As soon as Ji Junxin realized what she had stepped on, she felt a jolt. Even after retracting her foot, the tingling numbness spread from her foot up her leg, through her limbs…
This was the first time Ji Junxin had experienced such a strange sensation. Uncomfortable, yet exciting, even… a little overwhelming. Her limbs stiff, her body tingling, her breathing rapid, she felt a sudden warmth spreading through her. It was just an accidental touch, why… Ji Junxin’s body trembled slightly under the covers.
Could such a strange feeling occur between friends? Ji Junxin curled up, even more confused.
It took a while for the strange sensation to subside. Her tense body gradually relaxed, her curled-up feet returning to the warm hot water bottle.
Mi Hongdou’s hand, reaching under the covers, had also touched this hot water bottle… Ji Junxin thought, and she slightly lifted her foot, then put it back.
Although her first reaction had been to pull away, and she had done so, the brief contact, although sending her into a momentary panic, wasn’t unpleasant. In fact, she found it strangely… pleasant.
She often had physical contact with Mi Hongdou, but why was it so different today? Ji Junxin carefully placed her foot on the hot water bottle… and replayed the incident in her mind.
Ji Junxin’s life had been simple, first school, then the entertainment industry, but with Qiao Rubai and Qiong Yu protecting her, and her quick rise to fame, she hadn’t encountered any real hardships. Although lacking in real-life experience, she was good at applying the lessons learned from acting to her own life.
A hand reaching under the covers in the middle of the night, touching her foot… like an electric shock, a tingling numbness, not unpleasant…
Wasn’t this similar to the descriptions in scripts for romantic scenes, like hugging or holding hands?
Intimate scenes were always the most difficult for Ji Junxin. Whenever she had to film a hugging, hand-holding, or even just a touching scene… she would become stiff. Even when immersed in the role, being touched by a stranger always triggered a subconscious resistance. Overcoming this physical reaction was a challenge. Later, people in the industry became aware of this, and some considerate screenwriters would add notes to the script for such scenes, describing the appropriate emotional and physical responses, to help Ji Junxin better portray the character.
They were all intimate scenes, so although the scripts were different, the notes, using different words, described similar psychological and physical reactions. Ji Junxin now realized that her strange reaction earlier was very similar to those descriptions!
But… wasn’t that kind of reaction supposed to occur between lovers? Why…
The tangled threads of thought in Ji Junxin’s mind suddenly untangled. Her mind went blank, only one thought remaining.
So… did she have those feelings for Mi Hongdou? …
It made sense, both the strange sensation and her earlier insecurity and anger.
Although she had finally found the answer, she didn’t feel any relief. Ji Junxin felt dizzy, her mind filled with the realization of her feelings for Mi Hongdou, unable to process anything else.
This was… yuri… not some fourth kind of emotion, but love, between two women… Ji Junxin smiled wryly, had she just been enlightened and immediately fallen head over heels? If it weren’t for Pan Xiang’s explanation, she wouldn’t have connected her feelings for Mi Hongdou to the descriptions of romantic scenes in scripts.
Ji Junxin lay in bed, her feelings too complex to describe.
In her simple real life, and even in the slightly more complex world of dramas, love between two women had always seemed like something outside of her world. Even Pan Xiang’s earlier mention of it had only opened a small crack in her understanding. She had never thought she would step through that door, open it, and enter. Such a distant concept, suddenly so close, so real, it was both surprising and disorienting.
But thinking about the person she loved being Mi Hongdou, Ji Junxin didn’t regret it.
Mi Hongdou was a truly special person. Whether the talented actress on set, or the caring and considerate friend in real life, Ji Junxin now realized that Mi Hongdou had always been a gentle yet captivating presence, drawing her in, sparking her interest, admiration, even fondness and dependence. When had this attraction turned into love? …
Ji Junxin had no experience with romantic love, she had never even considered it. Having grown up witnessing her parents’ polite but distant relationship, and their neglect of her, the concepts of marriage and children held no appeal for her. She was even afraid. Afraid of living with someone like ordinary friends, just sharing meals and a few words, afraid of having a child. Because she didn’t know how to interact with a child. She was afraid that she would inherit her parents’ indifference. If it was destined to cause pain, why bring a child into the world and subject them to the same unhappiness she had experienced?
But now, Ji Junxin realized that she, who had been used to being alone, had become accustomed to Mi Hongdou’s presence. They went everywhere together, ate together, slept together, and she was even afraid of returning to her solitary life after this film ended.
So, it wasn’t that she didn’t want a relationship, didn’t want to be with someone.
Ji Junxin shifted in bed, her hand resting on her heart, a clearer understanding of herself, but also a deeper sadness.
She loved someone she could never be with… Ji Junxin’s eyes stung, and tears silently slid down her cheeks, dampening her pillow.
It was a good thing she had rejected Mi Hongdou’s offer to be her assistant earlier. Afraid of being heard, Ji Junxin’s tears flowed freely, but she covered her mouth with her hand. If Mi Hongdou became her assistant, being together every day, she would eventually reveal her feelings. She couldn’t imagine how shocked and disgusted Mi Hongdou would be. She didn’t even dare to imagine Mi Hongdou’s expression, just the thought of them becoming strangers was enough to break her heart.
No, Mi Hongdou couldn’t know! Ji Junxin curled up in bed, heartbroken, her body shaking with sobs, but she desperately tried to remain quiet.
Most things in life were difficult, rarely going as planned. And unrequited love was one of the most difficult. Loving someone and having to hide it was a true test of acting skills.
The next morning, having woken up half an hour earlier and applied eye masks, Ji Junxin, with her acting skills, passed the test.
Although Mi Hongdou found it unusual that Ji Junxin was up so early without being woken up, she didn’t think much of it. Seeing that Ji Junxin’s behavior was normal, and that after washing up, she immediately went for the stuffed dates, Mi Hongdou thought that perhaps she had just woken up early to eat them. For a foodie, such behavior wasn’t strange.
Thinking this, Mi Hongdou went to wash up.
The sound of running water came from the bathroom. The smile on Ji Junxin’s face faded, and she slowly put down the date she was about to eat.
Just overnight, these dates had become… bitter…
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